Toy Review – The Eroscillator

 In Review

Sorry for the two week sabbatical, I was out of town and failed to queue up some posts.

I wanted to do a 100% positive review to make up for it, but it turns out I just don’t have another toy besides the Mustang that I feel 100% positive about – womp womp. I come pretty close with the Eroscillator however.

I was stupid-excited to get my Hitachi rechargeable and bitched a lot about how the original had only a 6 foot cord and it was impossible to use basically everywhere because of that, but especially in hotels where they hide the sockets behind the beds. Short cords are the major downfall to corded toys. Eroscillator never had that problem, this thing comes with a 13 foot long cord. And obviously, it’s corded, so no dead batteries. The downside to such a long cord is obviously as you can see in the photo, it turns into a bit of a rat nest in the blink of an eye.

My Eroscillator was bought in a bundle, with the attachments above. From top to bottom you’ve got your Golden Spoon, Ball and Cup, Grapes and Cockscomb, and Seven Pearls of the Orient.

The anal beads is a hard plastic, whereas the other attachments are a soft-ish TPR (thermoplastic rubber)

So let me tell you some shit about this thing. Overall, I super fucking love this toy. I don’t leave home without this toy. This was the first “real” vibrator I was introduced to after my mishaps with CalExotics bullets and those things you get in the back of Spencer’s. The first time this thing was used on me I had more orgasms than I could count…like I was literally counting and then I lost track. It was double-digits. My mind was blown. I couldn’t make words anymore.

These days (6 years of weekly use later) I’m a bit harder to please. Thats not really so much about this toy as it is about my body I guess, I don’t rattle off double-digit orgasms in under 5 hours with any toy anymore, I’m lucky to get 2, but this thing still packs a major punch.

For comparison, with the original 2-speed Hitachi I usually leave it on the lowest setting for the majority if not entirety of my masturbation session, only breaking into the high setting if I’m trying to prolong orgasm or go for a second one (which is something I really only go for with sex, masturbation is mostly about putting me to sleep or taking the edge off than it is about racking up a pile of life-altering orgasms.) With the rechargeable Hitachi that now has two more in-between settings, I skip right over the first setting into setting 2, maybe 3, still rarely hitting the highest (unless, again, I’m using it during sex) With the Eroscillator I spend a lot of time in the first setting, sort of warming myself up to the sensation because it really is a different sort of feeling than other vibrators, then the second setting to actually build orgasm, and the third setting to make myself cum.

Usually, one or the other (Hitachi or Eroscillator) is fine for me, but because they’re two different types of feelings that provide different stimulation (and the hitachi is probably more powerful) sometimes I pull one out and wind up needing the other. Sometimes if I’m trying to have more than one orgasm I have to switch toys for a new feeling because I’ve become used to the other. I’m the sort of person who needs both, and if you can spare the cash, I think you should have both. A lot of people like to compare the two as they seem to be the holy-grail of sex toys for a lot of folks. My opinion is get both, if you can get both.

I love this toy but I have some nitpicking to do. 

 1) The website boasts that the Eroscillator is “virtually noiseless”. Hah, no it’s not. Maybe 6+ years ago mine was, I don’t know, I mean that is a really long time to have a vibrator as far as vibrators go I will concede. When you turn it on it is certainly noiseless, but the minute I put it on my body there is a very obvious buzzing noise you’d expect from a vibrator. Even on the low setting. The Eroscillator in use on the high setting is comparable to the Hitachis low setting noise. Maybe they’ve fixed that in 6 years, maybe not. I pretty much never buy into “noiseless” claims, everything is going to have some noise and may not be optimal for roommate situations or things of that nature. If I press kind of hard into the attachment with my finger in a certain angle, I can stop most of the buzzy rattling, but thats probably putting undue strain on the toy AND it absorbs a lot of the vibration I need. Still a very quiet toy, but not noiseless.

2) Trying to find out what the attachments are made of has been a massive clusterfuck that DID NOT NEED TO BE. This is a complaint about the company more than the toy, but I think knowing about the company lends to feeling safe using your toys so I will talk about this.
The website says the attachments are made of TPR. TPR is typically a porous material. There is a such thing as “medical grade TPR” that is not porous but it is expensive and uncommon, far far less common than silicone which is non-porous. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense for most sex toys to be made in a more expensive material when you could just use silicone, so a lot of people (fairly) assumed that the TPR being referenced was not of a medical grade. Eroscillator claims that silicone doesn’t have the strength needed to withstand the unique oscillations of their toy and they have to use this TPR stuff…sure whatever. But other bloggers wanted to know if they could sanitize their toys, we talk about the dangers of porous toy materials a lot and a toy you spend over 200 dollars on should not be harbouring bacteria okay? Perfectly reasonable thing to question here. On a different page of the website it claims the attachments are “TPE-s, the safest material for your health” which…uhm…no. Stainless steel, glass, wood, ABS plastic, and did I mention SILICONE? All perfectly safe but sure let’s keep talking about this weird-ass elastomer that is usually porous and not safe…okay.

A group of bloggers took to twitter (May 2015 I think) to ask Eroscillator what the deal was with their TPR nonsense, but instead of just replying with “we use a medical grade type that is non-porous, you’re safe!” they gave bloggers this bizarre run-around. They said things like “FDA approved” and “fully cleanable”. What does that even mean? “Cleanable” could be anything from wiping with a towelette to a sterilization cycle in an industrial autoclave. In this industry “cleanable” isn’t a term we use. When pressed further for what the material was made of, they responded by listing all the things that it was NOT (non-toxic, phthalate free, PB CD HG SB SE etc other abbreviations none of us know off the tops of our heads-free) still not actually saying what it IS. To one blogger they said they don’t “divulge” the exact name of the material for proprietary reasons, which is just absurd considering the material is just a high-grade TPR. TPR is one of the most common sex toy materials there is, there’s no secret about this stuff, and even if Eroscillator had come up with their own special blend it’s not like we were asking for the exact formula, we just wanted to know what the hell the stuff was.

Everyone basically gave up after this. It’s frustrating telling a company that you just want to keep your readers safe and their best response is “trust us” instead of truly answering your questions, but it appeared that was the best anyone was going to get. What you’re reading right now is actually an edit to my original review where I posted a bunch of screenshots of these conversations and made these same complaints. Eroscillator found my review and DMed me on twitter to say basically all the same things they’d already said to other bloggers – telling me what the material was not instead of telling me what it is. I opted to not respond, if everyone else had already tried and failed to get a decent response I didn’t think I could.

Finally, June of this year (2016) Eroscillator sent their attachments to a lab for an independent study to prove they are in fact non-porous, and shared the results with the blogosphere. What was so hard about that? I don’t know. For a product that is often touted as a sexual health aid, endorsed by Dr. Ruth, and has been around since at least 2008 you’d think a simple conversation about what it’s made of wouldn’t be such an absurd request, but here we are.

Conclusion: It’s non-porous, hallelujah but holy shit what a fucking process that turned into.

 

3) What the fuck

 Seriously.

SERIOUSLY. 

The rough tickle of a mans beard caressing your inner thigh as he’s about to plant a hot wet kiss on your lovegarden (or some shit like that) is NOT THE SAME AS NYLON BRISTLES ON YOUR LABIA. This is just some gimmicky bullshit.

You can see how often I use this attachment.

It was sealed in a bag for over 6 years. I opened it just to take a picture of it.

4) Final word on the attachments: why the fuck can’t I just buy the ones I want? There is no “a la carte” option for picking your attachments with your device, you have to buy an Eroscillator with a pre-fab set of attachments. You can buy SOME of the attachments by themselves and there IS an option to buy the device with just one attachment, but it’s chosen for you as the Golden Spoon. Of the  7 attachments (6 of which I own) do you know how many I actually like to use? 1. the Cockscomb/Grapes.  AND IT’S THE ONLY ATTACHMENT YOU CAN’T BUY BY ITSELF, it is the only attachment that is ONLY sold within one of the complete bundles. Considering the attachment bundle it’s sold in costs 80 dollars, I feel like I have a right to be pissed here.  It doesn’t make any damn sense. I recently broke my Eroscillator so I need to buy a new one and the ONLY THING I WANT is the device itself and the Cockscomb/Grapes attachment but no… I’m going to get the entire package a second time full of attachments I won’t ever take out of their bags for just the device and one tip. Cool. Love that. Let’s waste money.

So there we have it. Mostly love, could use a few improvements, mostly in the purchasing and info departments.

Eroscillator TL;dr